February 2014 will see the Sochi Winter Olympics happening in Russia, our favourite liberty-free landmass of the moment. Premier Vladimir 'Ra-Ra-Rasp' Putin is giving backhanded compliments to gay athletes and attendees, saying that they are welcome, but should "leave the children alone". We're not sure if he is insinuating that all gay people are paedophiles, which is absurd and untrue (and of course, no straight person could ever be a child molester), or if he’s quoting from Pink Floyd's Another Brick in The Wall, although he appears to be the one building the walls himself, even if he is a few bricks short. Macho Man Vlad clearly feels that the onslaught of punk rocking women, environmental protesters and now the gays all pose a threat to his manhood. We're fairly sure that none of them want to go anywhere near his manhood if they can help it. It is uncertain which team Putin plays for, but he's clearly covering his Olympic ring.
Of course, it isn't clear where Putin stands on bisexuals, and if any will be participating in the biathlon. Although he granted the prisoners a pardon, perhaps it was Putin's intention to use the various activists that he had incarcerated as part of the proceedings? Pussy Riot could have put on an awesome opening ceremony, their knitwear-based angry rock anthems rousing the spectators to a furious uproar. The Arctic 30 would make great targets for the shooting or archery events, while gay people could be used as markers in the bob-sleigh, as it's clear Putin would like to sleigh them all, given the chance. He's a good sport like that, and lives by the Olympic principles of fair play and equality, and is definitely not a cretinous, oppressive hypocrite.
The Greenpeace activists may also be skating on thin ice, but don't worry, it will melt soon if the gas and oil companies get their way. Best to put them under lock and ski!
Ed Snowden could even put in an appearance, as he has plenty of hurdles to overcome before he's repatriated. We're not sure that all of these are winter sports, but that doesn't matter, none of this is based on fact, apart from Putin being a mad, homophobic, dissent-hating oligarch. Let's hope he doesn't get 'luge' mixed up with 'lube'! Imagine one of those sledges covered in lubricated jelly soaring down your cold crevasse! It's all going downhill fast - dasvidanya!
SIDNEY STREET-PORTER
Of course, it isn't clear where Putin stands on bisexuals, and if any will be participating in the biathlon. Although he granted the prisoners a pardon, perhaps it was Putin's intention to use the various activists that he had incarcerated as part of the proceedings? Pussy Riot could have put on an awesome opening ceremony, their knitwear-based angry rock anthems rousing the spectators to a furious uproar. The Arctic 30 would make great targets for the shooting or archery events, while gay people could be used as markers in the bob-sleigh, as it's clear Putin would like to sleigh them all, given the chance. He's a good sport like that, and lives by the Olympic principles of fair play and equality, and is definitely not a cretinous, oppressive hypocrite.
The Greenpeace activists may also be skating on thin ice, but don't worry, it will melt soon if the gas and oil companies get their way. Best to put them under lock and ski!
Ed Snowden could even put in an appearance, as he has plenty of hurdles to overcome before he's repatriated. We're not sure that all of these are winter sports, but that doesn't matter, none of this is based on fact, apart from Putin being a mad, homophobic, dissent-hating oligarch. Let's hope he doesn't get 'luge' mixed up with 'lube'! Imagine one of those sledges covered in lubricated jelly soaring down your cold crevasse! It's all going downhill fast - dasvidanya!
SIDNEY STREET-PORTER
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