Yes, we put Piskie through a week of drinking his own urine - read on...
Once again I found myself in a familiar situation, drunkenly agreeing to do something silly for Now or Never! This time I’d agreed, for a laugh/the cause/everyone else’s entertainment, that I’d drink my very own golden juices for a week.
Before I began I thought a little background research would be helpful, so I naively typed “piss drinking” into Google. This pulled up 4.7 million sites, many with high resolution videos, most required a credit card but had very little useful information. I now know that if you want fruity hippy sites about the wonderful health benefits of “piss drinking” rather than dodgy porn, you have to search for ‘urine therapy’. If you believe these fruitcakes, cultures worldwide have, for thousands of years, known the amazing secrets of piss drinking and medical institutions are conspiring so that we might not ever know the truth.
Apparently Hindu holy men have drunk piss for centuries, as did the Vikings and in lots of Siberian tribes poor people gather “round the huts of the rich and watch the opportunity of the guests coming down to make water and then hold a wooden bowl to receive the urine, which they drink of greedily”. Funniest of all were the piss drinking bible quotes such as “Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well” (The Book of Proverbs 5:15) and “Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” (Isaiah 36:12). One site even claims drinking piss prevents aging and cures AIDS, cancer and leprosy! But its not without its opponents; in 2003 drinking piss was banned in Cameroon despite the difficulty of enforcing such a law, apparently it still goes on, driven underground: “Everyone uses it in secret. But you need to be brave,” an anonymous Cameroonian piss drinker told the BBC.
OK, here goes, the plan is to drink a serving of my own golden elixir every day for a week, I’ll try different recipes and report any health benefits I encounter, since I’m in good health (at the moment anyway…) I won’t be able to test whether it cures AIDS, cancer or leprosy but I think we can be pretty sure this is absolute bollocks.
OK, so the plan for today is to just have a plain old glass of piss, nothing fancy yet. So I take a glass to the toilet and catch what urine therapists call the ‘midstream urine’, basically you don’t want the very first bit of a piss or the very end of a piss (that would be disgusting). Swilling it around the glass I sniff at the bouquet to find that it smells like well, piss (this one was a quite concentrated dark orangey yellow colour)… I gingerly take a sip and find it warm and salty, there’s another flavour I’ve tasted before sometime but can’t quite place it, on the whole it could be worse but it tastes pretty grim. Oh yeah, according to www.innerself.com you can’t taste it if you hold your nose, this by the way is absolute bollocks.
Today is not going to be a massive push forward from yesterday, the plan is: piss on the rocks (with ice). Exactly the same procedure as yesterday except my ‘midstream’ is caught over ice, mmmmm. I toyed with the idea of shaking it with crushed ice in a cocktail shaker and then straining it into a fancy glass, but wussed out due to the extra washing up. Surprisingly cold piss is much better than warm, it’s still salty and has the strange mystery taste but you can’t smell it as much as it goes down and it’s slightly diluted by the melted ice.
Right, I think I’m onto something here; if cold piss is better than warm then even colder piss must be even better, right? That’s what I was thinking last night, so I decided that today’s piss beverage would need a little preparation. Using a small plastic bottle as a mould and a lolly stick, I made (perhaps) the worlds first piss ice lolly!
How wrong could I have been? Initially I thought I’d found an easy not-quite-so-minging way of taking my very own medicine because I couldn’t smell it at all. So, I took a bite and still it was OK, for a second. But just for a second; as the lump of piss ice started to melt in my mouth it’s suddenly just as filthy as drinking the stuff, except that with the lumps of ice still in your mouth, you can’t just swallow it and be done, on top of that there’s the headache you get if you eat ice really quickly. In summary, piss lollies are really, really nasty. Imagine biting a chunk of really cold ice, which melts quickly in your mouth to give a salty, ammonia flavour which makes you want to be sick, but instead of being sick you have to crunch more piss ice before you can swallow a piss slush puppy mouthful.
Having passed half way I can only report one health benefit; drinking piss makes you drink more water, partly to take the taste away and also to make sure it’ll be watery and not too strong . After the piss lolly I wanted to go in a different direction, so today is “piss cup of tea day” I was going to save this until the end as a grand finale but now I want it over and done with. Obviously pissing in the kettle is a sure way to lose friends, so I boiled my piss in a saucepan: do this in a well ventilated space, it stinks. I used two tea-bags hoping to drown out the piping hot piss, adding soya milk. I discovered to my horror: boiling piss curdles soya. This looks like the worst cup of tea I’ve ever had and it smells like a really rotten piss but the part I’m least looking forward to is the taste. Perhaps I’d over hyped it to myself or been desensitised by the ice lolly but I was expecting worse; don’t get me wrong, piss tea is foul to drink, but the tea covers most of the flavour apart from the salt, so you only have to worry about the smell as you drink. Imagine drinking salty tea in the urinals of a football ground just after half time on a hot day, seriously it could be worse.
Continuing in the same vein, today it’s coffee. Obviously instant coffee as I’m not putting my piss in the cafetiere, since I drink coffee black there’ll be no curdling to worry about and with two sugars this should be a piece of piss. Not bad actually, the sugar certainly helps although tastes a little funny with the salt, the coffee almost masks the piss flavour and helps with the smell. Coffee certainly beats tea in the hot-beverage-made-with-yer-own-piss-stakes, although I do worry that I’m getting used to the taste, hopefully it’s not like drinking beer in your early teens. You know… when you first drink it its not nice but you drink it anyway and before long you drink it every morning without fail and spend the rest of the day staggering around stinking of the stuff.
I was thinking about doing a smoothie with bananas today but anything thick or lumpy that can’t be quickly swallowed is not on the menu, so instead I’m going to try a “piss shake”. Soya milk and piss 50:50 with a little sugar to taste, the piss is body temperature so it doesn’t curdle. Once again, while it’s disgusting, it’s not that bad. Well it doesn’t come close to the piss lolly anyway. The soya milk is straight from the fridge which does a lot to cool the piss down.
Day Seven, Yay!
Having come to the last piss drink of my life (I hope) I feel a celebration is in order, so today’s drink is a vodka and piss or V and P, with ice. As I drink away (it’s cold and the booze masks the taste) I reflect on the findings of this endeavour; basically the only pattern I can see is that piss is more palatable when chilled or with something strong tasting like coffee. As for those who claim there are health benefits, even if they’re not advocating yoghurt woven moonbeams, fuck them. Why not drink more water, give up smoking, do more exercise or eat less pies because drinking your own piss is disgusting even if you can get used to it.
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This article came from issue 10 of Now or Never!