Anarchy Aunt with Hairy Jim If you haven't already got a problem, you soon will have...
Dear Hairy Jim,
Recently I murdered a wealthy couple who were on the way back from the opera. Initially I intended to put them in the boot of my car and drive them to the forest to bury them there. However, it occurred to me that I should recycle their corpses in some way. Originally I considered using them to fertilise my allotment, but the other day I had a brainwave; why not feast off these dead parasites. It’s about time they made a worthwhile contribution to society. All sounds dandy you may say, so why is this guy in such a sorted position writing to a hairy, alcoholic revolutionary for advice? My problem is this; I’m a vegan and don’t want to compromise my principles. So Hairy Jim, is it ethical for vegans to banquet on the roasted ribs of the rich?
Please help, Turnip Head
Dear Turnip Head,
My, my, as the woman off Richard & Judy says, you are in a pickle. Your earthy root vegetable is torn between satisfying your gastronomic urges to munch on the bones of your new playmates and the virtue of abstaining on moral grounds.
Well, firstly I think you need to consider the serious issue of rejection – as your body is used to a diet of vegetable matter and grit, the fatty rich flesh of these leeches may be too much for your pathetic system to handle. On the other hand, as you regularly sup upon your own bodily fluids for fun, your stomach may be prepared for anything.
I think the real answer to your dilemma lies with the example set by TV’s Kilroy. It is a little known fact that the majority of his studio audience are in fact dead, murdered by Kilroy himself in the course of bizarre rituals (his killing sprees, incidentally, do not stop at unknown innocents – seen the other one off Birds of a Feather [not Pauline Quirke] lately? Now you know why). Mr Robert Kilroy Silk has found a pioneering and effective means of corpse disposal (“they can’t be dead – they’re on the telly!”) and I’m sure you can too – all it takes is a little research, patience and imagination. Have you considered puppetry? That way your beliefs remain uncompromised and your corpses unwasted. Hope I have been of service to you, now fuck off and die.
Claire Raynor off the telly
Any letters Hairy Jim deems fit will be rewarded with a home made glove puppet of Lucie Morris, Jasper Carrot or Pauline Quirke.