One fine afternoon a couple of months ago, I found myself staring out of the window of a city pub, wondering why I was so bored and lacking any excitement in my life.
The beer tasted crap, I was listening to the same drunk nonsense I’ve been listening to (and partaking in!) for the last ten years. You know how it gets, public house politician’s moaning and whining about how bollocks their lives are, and how they have all the answers if only they were in power. If only they would get off their arses and do something to change the situation, that would be a start!
While stuck in my negative bullshit state of mind, an amazing site appeared bobbing along outside the pub window. Suddenly the pub was transformed, and people you’ve seen in the same chair for years but have never spoken to before were full of conversation. What was this sight of wonder and boredom shaking excitement that threw my local into born again fascination? TWO POLICEMEN ON THE BEAT!
The beer tasted crap, I was listening to the same drunk nonsense I’ve been listening to (and partaking in!) for the last ten years. You know how it gets, public house politician’s moaning and whining about how bollocks their lives are, and how they have all the answers if only they were in power. If only they would get off their arses and do something to change the situation, that would be a start!
While stuck in my negative bullshit state of mind, an amazing site appeared bobbing along outside the pub window. Suddenly the pub was transformed, and people you’ve seen in the same chair for years but have never spoken to before were full of conversation. What was this sight of wonder and boredom shaking excitement that threw my local into born again fascination? TWO POLICEMEN ON THE BEAT!
“Well did you fucking see the like of that before…” and “my god, I’d never believe it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, OI! Copper! Get that fucking tit off ya head...” rang out from the excitable throng.
The change in my environment was amazing and everyone had a view to share at this awesome occasion.
One quiet spoken old man in the corner could’ve cut the air with a knife when he piped out, “About bloody time too, sort them bloody refugees out...” Mmmm, I felt a battle of wit’s coming on.
I let him argue his case. For about half an hour. We covered everything from the golden age when you could leave your back door open without getting ripped off, to how “it’s the refugees who are the reason to our entire problems...” bollox.
We’ll, I’m not renowned for my tolerance of bigotry, but punching a sixty-five year old from the dark ages, I draw the line at. So I did what I love doing the most, I wound him up.
I told him I was converting to Islam, had a big house in the country, and was intending to move my black wife’s family, all sixteen of them, over so as we can bring more “colour” to the community.
The quiet, little old man suddenly erupted in frenzy. With shouts of “Nigger lover!” and “Jew loving communist!” the table we were drinking at tipped over and this bastion of passivity and knowledge launched at me, knocking me and eight or so half drunk pints of Stella to the floor.
The old man was standing over me on the floor, foaming at the mouth about hoe all “Jew lovers” should be gassed, when the door bursts open and two familiar faces appeared and grabbed the old boy by the arms.
“Well, well Patrick, there you are. Let’s get you back to the hospital, they’re missing you...” one of the policemen snorted, as they lead him out to a police car that appeared outside.
When the landlady said she’d known Patrick for twenty years, and that he used to be a policeman..the pub erupted in hysterics!
Amazing what happens when the filth turn up! Hours of entertainment!!
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